Finding Myself Outside of Motherhood or Infertility: The Wisdom of Self Compassion

I once believed that I was less of a woman because I was not a mother.

What are the birth defect rates?

What is the chance that the pregnancy will go to term but without a live birth?
What is the chance of having multiple births?
What is the success rate of Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injections (ICSI)?
These are the questions, I, matter-of-factly, posed to the doctor of reproductive fertility.

In the National Survey of Family Growth (2006-2010), the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said that 1 in 8 couples (12.5%) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. In 2005, my husband Phil and I were one of those couples.

Phil and I, as many couples do, sought medical assistance. I daringly faced a rigorous schedule of subcutaneous hormone injections, antibiotics and birth control pills to stimulate and restrict the necessary pregnancy hormones. I endured numerous ultrasounds and blood drawings to monitor the levels. I experienced mood swings that were pretty unsettling and stressful. Phil and I went through uncomfortable procedures for fertility tests and egg retrieval.

After a single cycle of the procedure, the doctor advised us against trying the procedure again — because the probability of success was zero. My questions at the beginning of the process seemed in vain. I felt deflated.

The hard-coding of thoughts begins when we are children

Growing up in the city of Chennai on the southeastern coast of India, I was the youngest of three girls in a Catholic family. As a little girl, a path had been set for me — like many Indian girls growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, finishing school, getting married and having a family were obvious next steps… just as obvious as breathing.

I believed that having children was guaranteed. And in fact, I had an attachment to this idea — it was as if my self-worth was tied to this… as if my value to society rested on my ability to birth a child.

But with one statement from a doctor back in 2005, that surety was ripped out of my hands. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach without any warning. And I was terrified about losing the one thing I thought would allow me to be myself — that would allow me to shine.

Social stigma and personal beliefs are equally stifling.

Every time I received an invite to a baby shower, I cringed. I sincerely wanted to celebrate my friends and so I endured it quietly. Inside, I was screaming to be free. To be free of feeling left out, to be free of the feeling that I somehow didn’t count, to be free of the feeling that I would never be able to truly empathize with someone giving birth. I avoided seeing commercials on TV about babies. I disengaged if I heard someone say that only a parent would understand.

Talking about this wasn’t an option. I worked in the male-dominated engineering world, and there was no room for me to let my guard down — I had to stay tough. Not realizing that I was experiencing a loss, I didn’t really think seeking guidance or counseling was necessary. Besides, socially, I felt it made people uncomfortable — and so, I began to believe I just needed to “suck it up” and stop what I was feeling.

Family and friends were supportive, in ways that I allowed them. I remember one friend in particular. She told me that my feelings reminded her of what parents feel when their kids leave home for the first time; that empty nest feeling of sadness. This somehow encouraged me to feel less alone. It opened a little window for me to explore this differently. My father had been a lifelong meditator and so I began to explore meditation.

Begin exploring how to re-write your code.

I would sit in silence, allowing the anger to pulse through my body, allowing the tears to flow down my face, releasing grief, loss and pain. I was guided by teachers to wonder about the questions that surfaced during meditation. The one question that repeatedly surfaced was this: who am I?

Ready to experience your life outside of others’ praise or criticism?

Was I a wife? Surely if I was only a wife, then how could I explain all these other roles I had. Or how could I explain everything I felt or thought about? So, if I wasn’t a wife, then who was I? Was I an engineer or a senior leader of the management team? Surely I was more than that. So, then who was I? Was I a reflection of my bank account? That didn’t make sense to me. So then who was I? Was I a mother? The answer was a resounding no. So then who was I? You get the idea.

My discovery in these moments of stillness was that there was somebody making all these observations. Somebody that realized I still had value, even though I wasn’t a mother. Somebody that loved me even though I couldn’t play the one role that nature intended for me. Somebody that showed me compassion in the truest sense possible. Somebody who could give me the positive affirmation I needed. Somebody who understood that I was hurting. Somebody that realized that what I was not, was not who I was. This somebody was me. This was the beginning of the answer to my question of who I was.

This realization encouraged me to dig deeper. I started to challenge the notion that motherhood was the only path — as if being childless makes one’s life meaningless. I allowed myself to feel the sadness and the anger and loss — it was my right. Frequently I repeated to myself all the things I was not — to get closer to who I was. I started practicing action with clarity and conviction while staying detached from outcome. In meditation I created space for the knowledge of who I was to emerge — it could only happen in that space of stillness and silence.

Get started right now with this free download – a powerful guided meditation on self compassion. 

What you are is not who you are.As a woman leader, if you find yourself at odds with your beliefs or social stigmas, like I did, I encourage you to:

  • Practice first and foremost, self compassion, self acceptance, and self love.
  • Challenge the notion of a “normal” or “standard” path to solutions, goals, or life.
  • Gently ask yourself if you show up in life as more than the roles you play.
  • Practice decision-making with conviction and clarity while staying detached to outcome.
  • Explore your relationship with being uncomfortable… your relationship with discomfort.

I learned what I was not… but that does not stop me from being who I am.

Rita Devassy
About the Author
Rita Devassy, the founder and CEO of Deva Seed, brings leadership experience from the tough corporate world of tech. Conforming in a male-dominated culture left her personally depleted, but then called to bring mindfulness back to the corporate space. Now, she builds up business leaders who believe that self-inquiry, generosity and compassion are required hallmarks of an effective, successful leader.

Rita holds degrees in Business Management and  Computer and Information Science along with a certificate in Authentic Leadership from Naropa University and is on the faculty for The Foundations program at the Authentic Leadership Center.She lives with her  husband and their miniature pinscher dogs, Oliver and Oscar.  She meditates often, can’t parallel park to save her life, and seeks the American culture she missed in her childhood vicariously through re-runs of The Brady Bunch and Leave it To Beaver.

Life Beyond the Coffee Enema: Thoughts on Emergence

Yes, of course it hurts.

You’ve heard about coffee enemas right? An expensive cold brew you don’t get to drink. It goes in a different hole. Drinking coffee activates your bowels and improves peristalsis. Why would you…?!?! Never mind, I’ll never understand how this became a trend.

Spring’s got me thinking about bowel movements, pressure, frustration, self-judgment, irritability & anxiety. These are common feelings this time of year, believe it or not. Especially in Maine, we’re behind Alaska as the last to Spring. It’s a sloooow start and I can feel the agitation.

The truth is, spring is uncomfortable. Even if you slept like a champion all winter. Even if you live in a sunny state. Spring is like puberty, it’s awkward. It’s the opposite of smooth, it’s muddy, messy and there’s a lot of change happening at once.

The idea of reaching for a “coffee enema” to get your bud to sprout FASTER isn’t what mother nature intended. It’s natural to wake up after a long hibernating season NOT feeling “springy & sparkly.” You’re supposed to feel like you just woke up! The key here is to understand you’re in a season and not get swept away trying to “fix” it.

Magazine covers of women frolicking & jumping in spring dresses are designed to get you to buy spring. They know you want to sparkle & shine. And a dress or a brightly colored hoodie (whatever your fashion sense) can give you a boost. But the idea that you roll out of bed spring morning feeling like vibrant pastels is a MYTH. It is myth that does not serve women well. 

Spring is a dance, it’s playful, like a game of peek-a-boo. You  will get impatient, angry and frustrated if you BLAME yourself for being a “bud” and reach for a “quick fix”. Don’t make me wave my bright yellow CAUTION sign around, while break dancing, until you STOP and look at me. I will shout, “Embrace your awkward! Don’t miss your emergence”.

Doing anything other than nourishing actually causes weakness & atrophy. You become less resilient, more susceptible to disease, more irritable, impatient, critical of yourself and others. Choosing this less natural path forms a habit of swinging from one extreme to the next and making life, which should be a series of natural transitions, more difficult.

Are you ready to live beyond the coffee enema?

Ready to honor your emergence?

Here are my 5 favorite ways to flourish, sparkle & shine – no matter what the season.

Get to know your environment!1. Take a walk, often.

Over steamy Thai curry, my friend told me (with awesome hand gestures) she actually watched spring come to life! Other years, she’s looked up and there spring was. This year, she told me how much a plant grew each day, which fern’s fronds uncurled and which plants grew in her neighborhood. She took it all in – the smells, colors and essence of spring.

Spring has lit her up, and in return it lit me up.

She figured out how to make time slow down by enjoying the season.

Go for a walk! Get to know your environment. Look up. Look down. Return to the same places every day and mark the changes – nature’s emergence. Have a conversation with nature.

Seeing change, makes you resilient to change. Besides, your liver functions better when you’re moving.

De-clutter, shed or minimize, depending on your Feng shui school of thought.2. Clean your house.

This should cause a sigh of relief. De-clutter, shed or minimize, depending on your Feng shui school of thought. First, the surface clean. Then, the deep clean. Then, the ruthless elimination of stuff. Nah, it doesn’t have to be ruthless. But it helps when you’re guided by a vision of who/what/how you want to be.

Another friend recently told me, over the same bowl of curry, that out of “nowhere” she’s madly inventorying everything she owns. She either has to find a home for it, give it away or throw it away. If you find yourself “spring cleaning” naturally, go with it! Though the desire to “clear out the nest” is real, people unfortunately confuse this urge for cleaning out their intestines, hence the coffee enemas. Let’s stick to the house.

As a guest teacher for a wellness program that includes this step, I am always amazed when students get to the de-clutter section how much transformation happens from filling double-sized garbage bags with stuff and taking them away. I encourage you to make time for it, even if you take 15 minutes a day until each room is complete.

Wild foods help you reclaim the highest nutritional content available. 3. Bend down, eat a green (dandelion) leaf every day you can.

Eating wild food (often) is one of the best ways to build strength, resilience and vigor. Wild food has survived the elements. Weeds have the power to grow through cement. They’ve learned how to adapt in less than ideal habitats. You want wild in your diet!

Eat dandelion because they’re the most easily identifiable weed and they are available in many seasons. There are many edible options on your way from the house to the car or bus, on your walks and along roadsides. If you want to expand your weed diet, google “Herb Walk” in your community. You can also look for herbal medicine that uses “wild crafted” herbs or find a friend that forages. Even organic farming practices have bred nutrition out of plants. Wild foods help you reclaim the highest nutritional content available. They’re also slightly bitter, a taste American palettes have lost. By increasing the amount of bitter in your diet, you naturally lower sweet cravings and change your taste buds to desire more nutrition. Buh bye, willpower!

Skin brushing moves your lymph for overall health, it's not superficial.4. Exfoliate. Scrub the s#%t out of your skin.

This year I slacked on my winter sloughing and I can feel it. It’s like my skin’s not breathing as well and it’s less fluid. (This is from someone who spent years skin brushing). The lymph doesn’t have a pump like your heart but movement and flow is equally important. The lymph gets pumped by moving your tissues. I never knew how impactful movement of any kind is, until my partner told me what happens to stroke or TBI patients in the neuro unit. In the rehab hospital where she trains, when someone becomes immobile, even for a day, the body shows signs of breakdown.

Skin brushing moves your lymph for overall health, it’s not superficial. Although the skin smoothing and exfoliating is awesome, the real gig is that you get the benefits of exercise and an overall feeling of wellness. A consistent routine of skin brushing 1-2 times per week is beneficial. It’s especially great after a long day of travel, sitting, or road tripping. If you try skin brushing just be careful what kind of brush you get – not too firm, not too soft.

You can also use a washcloth, “shower gloves,” or a “fascia blaster.” Facia blasting is different than skin brushing, it works to break up fascia but the goal here is circulation, lymph movement and blood flow. I’ve never tried the fascia blaster, but it comes highly recommended for relieving pain, inflammation and cellulite.

Anger is a part fo every emergence. 5. Get pissed.

There’s a lot to be angry about. But if you’re socialized female, you were taught that anger is dangerous, impolite and not tolerated. You were shamed out of anger.

It’s the shaming of anger that causes problems, not anger itself. In traditional Chinese medicine, spring is associated with the wood element. The wood’s “climate” is windy and the “emotion” is anger. When these two are flowing in harmony, anger comes to pass. How do you let anger pass? The first step is acknowledging it. Anger is a part of every emergence. Before every blooming tree was an agitated sapling. Make this your motto and you can move through anger as it becomes food to grow!

Get angry in the presence of other women who have your back through the process.

Want some healthy ways to move through anger? Exercise, kickboxing, kundalini yoga, sex, singing (especially angry songs), dance, and poetry. And while we’re in the wood element, the vocal quality is “shout.” There are workshops for this, which is great so you avoid unleashing on others. I haven’t seen that be effective on people you love.

Let your anger fuel your passion to take action. My whole business started because I was angry. I was angry that people get sick from food related illness. I was angry that the food system doesn’t care about health or animals, it cares about profits. I was angry because sexism exists in the healthcare system. What are you angry about?

This essay was inspired by my Instagram post “What Stage of Bloom are you in?”

My friend Yasmine responded with this beautiful poem by Swedish poet Karin Boye:

Yes Of Course It Hurts

Yes, of course it hurts when buds are breaking.
Why else would the springtime falter?
Why would all our ardent longing
bind itself in frozen, bitter pallor?
After all, the bud was covered all the winter.
What new thing is it that bursts and wears?
Yes, of course it hurts when buds are breaking,
hurts for that which grows
and that which bars.

Yes, it is hard when drops are falling.
Trembling with fear, and heavy hanging,
cleaving to the twig, and swelling, sliding –
weight draws them down, though they go on clinging.
Hard to be uncertain, afraid and divided,
hard to feel the depths attract and call,
yet sit fast and merely tremble –
hard to want to stay
and want to fall.

Then, when things are worst and nothing helps
the tree’s buds break as in rejoicing,
then, when no fear holds back any longer,
down in glitter go the twig’s drops plunging,
forget that they were frightened by the new,
forget their fear before the flight unfurled –
feel for a second their greatest safety,
rest in that trust
that creates the world.

marcie-goldman.png Blog written by Marcie Goldman. There’s nothing that lights up Marcie more than getting you glowy-good-health. Her work combines functional medicine strategies with nourishing Wise Woman Traditions, a stellar combination she’s honed over the last 15 years in her professional one-on-one practice & group programs. When Marcie finally realized she couldn’t stop people’s search for the “quick fix,” she created Mojo Mastery Month. This popular health makeover program celebrates food, nourishment and your body’s natural ability to heal. She invites you to sample her 7-day program for free including her menu of over 21 recipes!

Don’t miss Marcie and a whole tribe of like-minded women at this year’s Emerging Women Live event. This October, you can find yourself surrounded with real support, authentic thought leadership and inspiring stories. From the talented Elizabeth Gilbert to Esther Perel on sex and Sera Beak on spirituality, it’s an integrative experience you won’t want to miss! Register today!

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Juicy Bites: Women Heroines in Literature and Film

This week we find out:

  • Literature’s most beloved women heroines
  • Who is the first female Saudi Arabian filmmaker
  • What are 3 communication mistakes that you can easily avoid
  • The real meaning of self-compassion and how it differs from self-esteem
  • Messy or tidy — which is better for creativity?

 

At the end of this post, we encourage you to join us for a conversation. This week’s Juicy Bites question for you, dear emerging women, is:

1. Well-Read Women: Gorgeous Watercolor Portraits of Literature’s Most Beloved Heroines via Brain Pickings

 

The New-York-based painter and fashion illustrator Samantha Hahn is celebrating women in fiction. This book is a fascinating collection of expressive watercolor depictions paired with a memorable quote, of such literary icons as Jane Eyre, Anna Karenina, Holly Golightly, and Clarissa Dalloway.

JANE EYRE 'Jane Eyre' by Charlotte Brontë
JANE EYRE ‘Jane Eyre’ by Charlotte Brontë

Continue Reading…

2. Meet Haifaa Al Mansour, the first female Saudi Arabian filmmaker via Interview Magazine

 

This is quite impressive. Al Mansour’s first feature film called Wadjda, is the first movie to be filmed entirely in Saudi Arabia, and Al Mansour is the first female Saudi Arabian filmmaker.

“There are opportunities for women now, and you have to be able to stand up for yourself, for what you believe in. And the culture is opening up and there are pockets, windows for women. But a lot of women are shy to take them because the culture will not accept women working in a mixed environment; they don’t want women to travel alone and study abroad. It may compromise women getting married quickly. It is very much like America in the 1940s, but it is more [conservative]; women have to be completely covered.” — Haifaa Al Mansour

Continue Reading…

 

3. Three communication mistakes with big impact via Tara Sophia Mohr-Wise Living

 

Tara shares with us a super easy way we can play big this year. Learn how to avoid 3 common communication mistakes, and how to build your voice to be  strong, determined,  non-apologetic.

“Our words are our opportunity. That opportunity is bigger than ever before because women are more literate than ever before and have access to technology — from laptops to email — that amplify our communication.”

*Tara Sophia Mohr will be a featured presenter at the 2013 Emerging Women Live Conference, October 10th-13th in Boulder, CO.

Continue Reading…

 

4. Kristin Neff — The Real Meaning of Self-Compassion via Grace & Fire Podcast

 

This episode’s guest is the inspiring Kristin Neff. Kristin is a professor of human development and culture at the University of Texas, Austin, and she has practiced Buddhist Meditation since 1997. In addition to authoring numerous academic articles on self-compassion, she has written a new book titled “Self-Compassion,” released by William Morrow in 2011.

In this episode, Kristin Neff and the host of Grace & Fire, Chantal Pierrat spoke about:

 

  • The real meaning of Self-Compassion and how it differs from Self-Esteem,
  • The masculine and feminine aspects of mindfulness and self-compassion,
  • The researched results of self-compassion and what the findings mean for leaders, and women leaders in particular,
  • How self-compassion takes us from recognition, to action, and the power creating a practice of self care and love,
  • And finally, Kristen offers sage advice for those women on the precipice of their own emergence.

 

Kristin Neff will be a featured presenter at the 2013 Emerging Women Live Conference, October 10th-13th in Boulder, CO.

Listen here…

 

5. It’s Not ‘Mess.’ It’s Creativity. via New York Times

 

Olimpia Zagnoli
Olimpia Zagnoli

MESSY or tidy — which is better?

Historically, the evidence has favored the tidy spaces. But then the obvious question surfaces: “If messiness is so bad, why do so many people tolerate, and even embrace, it?”

Kathleen D. Vohs, from Carlson School of Management, University of Minnesota, with two of her colleagues, conducted an interesting experiment and came to the conclusion that physical order produces healthy choices, generosity, and conventionality, whereas disorder produces creativity.
Here are a few of their predictions that led to their experiment:

“Since tidiness has been associated with upholding societal standards, we predicted that just being around tidiness would elicit a desire for convention. We also predicted the opposite: that being around messiness would lead people away from convention, in favor of new directions.” — Kathleen D. Vohs

Continue Reading…


We are excited to start a conversation and learn more from YOU, dear emerging women. Leave a comment below:


Emerging Women Live is for women entrepreneurs and creatives who share a vision to change the world by living the truth of who they are. These are women who are burning with desire to to fully express themselves through the work they do, while promoting a new paradigm of success that leverages the incredible power of the feminine: collaboration, community, intuition, receptivity, sensuality and heart. Join us!

Juicy Bites This Week – Accepting The Truth of Who You Are

This week we find out:

  • Fascinating research that points out the achievements and challenges women face in the workplace
  • Alanis Morissette’s advice for women who are on the precipice of their own Emergence
  • Women’s barriers to becoming leaders, and candidates for senior positions
  • The inspiration behind Emerging Women
  • How self-compassion can help us accept the truth of who we are

At the end of this post, we encourage you to join us for a conversation. This week’s Juicy Bites question for you, dear emerging women, is:

What allows you to accept the truth of who you are?

1. Women in the Workplace: A Research Roundup via Harvard Business Review

This article explores recent research by business, psychology, and sociology scholars that offers a window into women’s collective experiences in the workplace, bringing light to issues such as:

  • Work/Life Balance
  • Equal Pay
  • Leadership Qualities

Continue reading…

2. Alanis Morissette – Creative Intimacy and the Merging of Yin and Yang via Grace & Fire

Emerging Women is happy to announce the launch of our podcast series: Grace & Fire.

Our first podcast features the amazing powerhouse Alanis Morissette as she talks about:

  • Vulnerability
  • Strength with Femininity and balancing the Yin/Yang or Masculine and Feminine essence
  • The effect of success on the creative process
  • How anger can actually build intimacy in relationship
  • And finally, Alanis gives her one piece of advice for women who are on the precipice of their own Emergence.

Alanis is a keynote speaker at the 2013 Emerging Women Live Conference, October 10th-13th in Boulder, CO.

Listen to the podcast HERE

3. Women Rising: The Unseen Barriers via Harvard Business Review

We are seeing more and more companies make gender diversity a priority. Despite the good intentions of their employers, women still face hurdles to becoming leaders and candidates for senior positions.

“Becoming a leader involves much more than being put in a leadership role, acquiring new skills, and adapting one’s style to the requirements of that role. It involves a fundamental identity shift. Organizations inadvertently undermine this process when they advise women to proactively seek leadership roles without also addressing policies and practices that communicate a mismatch between how women are seen and the qualities and experiences people tend to associate with leaders.”

Continue Reading…

4. LeapCast Podcast Episode #3 – Chantal Pierrat via LeapCast

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Check out this podcast series from LeapCast – a catalytic community for passion-seeking women.

Tune in to learn what inspired Chantal to start Emerging Women Live, the fears that surfaced as she was launching, and how she pushed past them.

Listen to the podcast HERE

5. Embracing Our Common Humanity With Self-Compassion via Huff Post Healthy Living

Kristin Neff talks about the importance of self-compassion and being in touch with our common humanity, and how that allows us to be more understanding and less judgmental about our inadequacies, and more aligned with the truth of who we are. Recognizing that we are not alone in our suffering, and that failure and imperfection is inevitable we are able to be acceptant of ourselves and less intimidated by our mistakes.

“One of the most important elements of self-compassion is the recognition of our shared humanity. Compassion is, by definition, relational. Compassion literally means “to suffer with,” which implies a basic mutuality in the experience of suffering. The emotion of compassion springs from the recognition that the human experience is imperfect, that we are all fallible.”

Kristin Neff is a speaker at the 2013 Emerging Women Live Conference, October 10th-13th in Boulder, CO.

This week’s Juicy Bites question for you, dear emerging women is:

What allows you to accept the truth of who you are?

Let’s start a conversation. We would love to hear from you! Leave a comment below.